As we pivot from primarily non-conf games to games that actually matter, the intensity typically gets turned up a notch and lucky for us the absurdity of games that hinge on the performance of millionaire 18–22-year-olds appears to be positively correlated to that rise in intensity. This week we had some fantastic moments including a tractor-led entrance, the most absurd catch, maybe the most disgusting/insane/psycho move EVER by a coach, and a bro that just needs to face reality and hang it up in exchange for intramurals. The stories will only continue as we enter the best time of the year where we get over 60 days in a row of football!
Week 5 Pro Tips:
- The universe always has a way for things to balance out in the end. For Michigan, it only took a few weeks for the college football gods to get their get back. After eeking out week 1 with the conspiracy of the extra second, they got burned this week when a defensive injury gave Iowa a desperately needed clock stoppage right before they cucked the Wolverine fans and made them feel like a group of people that sing Mr. Brightside to get jacked up.
- Speaking of karmic endings, we had an escalation in bad behavior this week. Weird…it’s almost like with all the money floating around it’s impacting the players’ understanding of civility and consequences. The positives that come from this are the most hilarious and unprecedented announcements from white hats.
- The more things change, the more they stay the same, and, as Dan Lanning pointed out after the game, USC and Oregon continue to prove this old adage to be true. Lincoln Riley is on the cusp of hiring Lindsay Clancy’s defense attorney to admit to he killed ‘the mecca’ but you can’t hold him accountable since he’s not mentally fit for the job. Good news is they’ve already got their first witness they can call to the stand.
TOS GAME OF THE WEEK
#7 Alabama (-5.5) at #16 Mississippi State 11:00AM CST ABC
What we like about this game: The college football world revolves around Starkville, MS this week. Unfortunately for the home team, their opponent – that is mostly responsible for the national attention – is so appalled by the lack of quality lodging options in StarkVegas they’ve chosen to put their players through the high school treatment of bussing straight to their game, even with an early start time. Counting on 85 college kids to get up and get to a bus that early feels about as dependable as my bowels after smashing a Chipotle burrito that has a little too much hot salsa hiding in the crevices of the tortilla.
What we love about this game: Alabama is essentially making an in-house visit to their top 2027 transfer portal target, Kamario Taylor. With a solid outing from the electric Sophomore QB who claims to bleed maroon, we could start to see him at the top of Heisman boards. If things go south for the Bulldogs and their record-setting cow bells, Kamario might be touring the comforts of the Bama buses before he leaves Davis Wade Stadium.
For our OG fans, we got you fixed up with the old school paper guide!