Another week of chaos topped off with the most Texas version of a trooper we’ve ever seen. How in the world a law enforcement agent finds motivation for these actions seems borderline diabolical. Let’s be honest, if anyone this week was justified to possess this sort of unchecked aggression it was Bill Belichick. Luckily, college football has turned this into a positive by immediately bouncing this d-bag and possibly coming up with a celebration to replace 67. The rest of the week was filled with a roid rage kicker, a postgame Karen, and the newest trend in finishing off an opponent you just humiliated. And we haven’t even left the SEC! Our beloved CFP committee hilariously vaulted Miami 5 spots this week after hoping no one would realize they ignored their week 1 win against ND beating NC State. It’s like they become Uncle Leo with their decisions and just expect us to be ok with it. We’ve got an awesome two weeks left with plenty of playoff implications, bowl eligibility pursuits, and the ensuing chaos of the inept CFP committee.
Week 13 Pro Tips:
- These coaches ain’t going nowhere, they’re just fishing for raises and more guaranteed money. Lane isn’t leaving Oxford for Gainesville or Baton Rouge even if their natural habitats allow him to do hot yoga just by stepping outside his front door. Only college football would provide the backdrop for the hottest commodity on the market to be negotiating multi-million dollar offers while touring on a hovercraft. Sark couldn’t help himself and had to get in on the smoke because he knows his team’s performance isn’t earning him any extra coin. Dabo has been jokingly tied to Arkansas, but, if we’re being honest for a second, there’s no million dollar coach on this planet that’s better suited for leading a program centered around Walmart endorsements than him – just think about it. We can’t let all this distract us, though, from the fact that less than 90 days after Penn St. entered the season ranked #2 in the nation we were gifted this tweet. Only in college football!
- Everyone is up in arms about UCLA leaving the Rose Bowl. Here’s the deal, it’s not like we’re going to pull an Augusta National by going nuclear and tearing down an iconic venue just because it’s only heavily utilized on an annual basis. Quite honestly, it’s insulting that such a reverent relic in our sport is insulted by such poor performance and subsequent attendance – just over 37,000 per game. Imagine being 15 years old and seeing Roseanne Barr on the cover of Maxim magazine, no one wants that. We say good riddance to UCLA and let’s treat the Rose Bowl like the Cotton Bowl by reserving it for only a handful of games worthy of its backdrop – haha, yes, a much sexier backdrop!
- The ACC and Group of 5 are no doubt ruining the College Football Playoff, but we might as well get some enjoyment out of them while we can. Both have some crazy races for their inevitable demise, so let’s make some Mike’s Hard Lemonade out of these lemons and get drunk on some low quality, regrettable decisions that will leave us immortalized in shame and embarrassment. ACC has 6 teams still alive in their championship race. SMU needs to hold off a scrappy Louisville team, UNC needs to win out to get to a bowl and has a chance to knock off their overrated rival, Duke, Miami is still clinging to CFP hope and must survive the fighting James Franklins (well, kinda), but the biggest ACC game will be Pitt vs. Ga. Tech. Both have one conference loss, so the loser is all but out of it for a conference title. Over in the American, Tulane and ECU each only have one conference loss and each must get by conference foes that are one win away from bowl eligibility. The best news of the week though comes from Houston as Rice (also one win away from a bowl) is PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS to take down a North Texas team that is poised to play for an AAC championship. Meanwhile, arguably the best G5 team – James Madison – plays host to Wash St. as a two TD favorite to try and keep their argument alive. As a conciliation prize, one of these losers is assured a spot in this year’s…checks notes…ummm…Bowl of Beans?
TOS GAME OF THE WEEK
#15 USC @ #7 Oregon (-10.5) 2:30PM CST, CBS
What we like about this game: Two historically-known Pac-12 teams playing the biggest Big 10 game of the week on CBS. Welcome to college football in 2025! We’ve got two complete egomaniacs leading these teams, both of which are going to be overwhelmingly chastised by their fan bases if they lose.
What we love about this game: Oregon brings the nation’s best pass defense into this game, but they also bring an incredibly weak schedule. USC’s prolific pass game is set to test the Oregon secondary, but can their improved yet still vulnerable defense slow down the Ducks’ fast-paced offense? The last time USC beat Oregon was in 2016 and it feels like a typical Lincoln Letdown will extend that streak to a full decade.
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