We’re back for another year of helping you prepare to win the weekend and, boy, are things off to a hot start already. Well, not so hot for everyone. The erroneously self-proclaimed “mecca” of college football may have filled a quarter of their seats, and just like the worst cooked brisket of all time, Lincoln Riley thinks he can convince us that reality is something different than what is staring us square in the face. We all know that he’s at home crying crocodile, cleavage tears – which, to be fair, might be the best tears.
UNC won a game in only a way UNC could by simultaneously setting the bar for the ugliest game of the season. This is a sentence we would’ve never believed possible, but is Bill Belichick the Jersey Shore of football? No, not the beautiful-ish vacation spot for Northeasterners, rather the epicenter of reality TV that was once a prized piece of American culture, but instead of leaving the cinematic blackjack table with a duffle bag full of chips, decided to keep hanging on until desperation led to demise. As The Situation waves his final goodbye, it seems as though Bill would do well to throw his stuff in a trash bag and follow him out the door.
OMG, Rutgers! You pay a team $1.55 million in order to get an almost 30 point dog to usher you into the Greg Schiano rebirth like Ja Rule hopping on stage at a charity golf tourney he’s playing in to give the crowd an absolute banger (thanks to the internet, we’re not even making that up), only to get absolutely embarrassed by a team getting their first win in 677 days and their first win against a current power conference opponent since 1978!. AND THEN, you shoot off fireworks at the end of the game?? We can’t help but wonder, what it would feel like if Hank Hill was a Rutgers fan. Lucky for us, god bless the internet!
Week 1 Pro Tips:
- Just prepare yourself now, it will be impossible to watch a game without a mention of Lane Kiffin. Whether it’s the new Fansville commercial that, while clever, will begrudgingly air at least 20 times this weekend along and instantly become more annoying than Notre Dame fans injecting the preseason hype into their veins (no, seriously though, THIS is the year) or the mentions of him turning his program into a halfway house for NFL hacks. And if that wasn’t enough, the return of Joey Freshwater stories are on the horizon. The Lane Train never stops!
- If you aren’t following Barstool’s Ohio’s Tate character and his annual release of bets for tOSU games, you’re missing out on a new staple of the college football season. So much so, that opposing coaches are actually getting in on the action. Sure, it’s a desperate plea for attention, but it gives you even more of a reason to root against arguably the most arrogant program in the country. And, to his credit, the dude pays his debts.
- RIP ESPN score ticker at the bottom of the screen. This is an obvious move to drive you to their crowded, ad filled, clunky app. It’s like if we went away from every channel being in one place and instead had to jump through a dozen different sources just to watch college football games…oh wait. We have good news for you though! Our partners at Gameday Live have been preparing for this and have designed the sleekest, most user friendly college football app on the planet. It’s built for college football fans by college football fans (like the FUBU of apps, but way better than oversized polos and bucket hats) and it is F-R-E-E. Test it out this weekend, unless you are quite literally a Mickey Mouse college football fan.
TOS GAME OF THE WEEK
UCLA (-1.5) at California 9:30PM CST
What we like about this game: We get in-state rivalry week one, that’s always a plus. But, hang on, what time is kickoff? Is it what I think it is??? PAC-12 AFTER DARK (well, sorta). Can’t wait for this, uhhh, Big 10 vs. ACC clash. Anyway, we’re kicking it old school and can’t wait to cap the night (the first night of the season – the one where you get too excited, drink too much, and you end up sleeping on the couch anyway) with some old fashion tomfoolery that only the late night, west coast produces.
What we love about this game: I know you see the names of these schools and think pretentious, liberal nerds – but did you look at who is coaching in this game? You’ve got Bob Chesney (former JMU coach, Cignetti 2.0) on the UCLA sideline and Tosh Lupoi (former Oregon DC, Lanning 2.0) on the Cal side. Both will be pulling out all the stops to make their first splash at their new schools and they each have dynamic, playmaking QBs at their disposal. This one should be fun. #TarpsOffForTosh and the Calogrithm are too much for UCLA and easily cover +1.5 at home.