Alright, folks, the long national nightmare is over. We’ve finally made it through the barren wasteland of the offseason where we pretended to care about baseball, suffered through breakdancing in the Olympics,, and tried convincing ourselves Love Island wasn’t that bad. But now, the big boys are back. It’s Week 1 of college football, and just like a 2000s pop-punk band, we’re here to make noise, cause chaos, and leave you questioning your life choices.
Week 1 Pro Tips:
- The Connor Stalions Netflix doc is likely to come up in conversation. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that great. No real incriminating info and lots of unanswered questions. The conclusion is the dude is a borderline psychopath who’s only true skill in life is using his passion for something to become obsessively diligent and hyper focused on one specific task. Thank god he doesn’t have an ex-girlfriend he’s still in love with. Bottom line: Michigan was 49-26 before him and 40-3 after him, and he received a game ball from Coach Harbaugh for deciphering signals. Yes, everyone at Michigan knew it was happening. The dude literally caused the NCAA to approve radios in the helmets and iPads on the sidelines. The truth is everyone was doing it, but he was like the kid that has been held back for 2 years playing football on the playground in 7th grade – he was so much more dominant than everyone else they’d rather tell on him and get their game taken away than keep up the charade any longer.
- Bud Light is back? Like Lloyd Christmas trying to win back Harry’s trust, Bud Light is desperately trying everything to get its core consumer back and dare we say it might just be working? First, they drop these officially licensed cans and damn if they aren’t pretty sleek, simple, and sexy. Then, just when they start to get us in our feels, they begin dropping some classic Bud Light style content featuring Shane Gillis. While they haven’t totally redeemed themselves, it’s hard to say they aren’t on the right track. Plus, we can all only drink Yuengling for so long pretending that it’s a comparable replacement. The return is inevitable, so if you give in this week you shouldn’t feel bad about it.
- There’s no real way to prepare you for this other than to just flat out say it. You’re going to feel super old this college football season. No, I’m not talking about the heart burn, indigestion, diarrhea, or hangover – although, those certainly won’t help. I’m also not talking about how your favorite gameday shirt keeps fitting a little tighter each season -sure, keep blaming the dryer, that’s definitely what it must be. We’re talking about all the players this year with NFL dads. No, it’s not just the Sanders kids.
TOS GAME OF THE WEEK
#8 Penn St (-8.5) at West Virginia 11:00AM CDT
What we like about this game: What a time to be alive in Morgantown! It’s the biggest home opener in 25 years and WVU is ready for it! Classes are canceled across the county, you’ve got McAfee doing his show live from campus, Machine Gun Kelly kicking off the tailgating leading into Fox’s Big Noon Kickoff show. In a week full of cupcakes and neutral-site made-for-TV matchups, these two teams are already giving us rivalry vibes in week 1! Only downside is that it isn’t in primetime.
What we love about this game: WVU is 16-6 ATS at home over the past 4 seasons. The stadium will be absolutely electric. The weather will be “West Virginia perfect”, including rain to make for a safe environment for burning couches. We’re not saying take WVU money line, but it sure feels like they can keep it within 8.5 points.
5 days in a row of college football! Good luck surviving and we’ll see you on the other side, hopefully with a little more pep in your step, money in your pocket, and, ummmm, bottles of Caprisun?
